![]() I Worked Toward Processing My GriefĮventually, my memories came back - not flooding in one giant tsunami of happy reminiscences, but in a gentle trickle that was often prompted by a word or smell or sound. Each time, though, I couldn’t ignore the painful memories that centered around my sister’s depression and suicide. When coping with Aletha’s death, I tried harder and harder to ignore my sad memories, and I wracked my brain for happier memories. The cognitive pull toward negative thoughts is a self-perpetuating part of depression that makes “snapping out of it” all but impossible. In the midst of a depressive episode, people struggle to ignore irrelevant negative stimuli. The phenomenon is stronger in people with depression. When we’re happy, it’s easier to recall happy memories. When we’re sad, it’s easier to recall sad memories. There’s a term for the way that moods influence our ability to recall certain memories: mood-congruent memory. One of the added horrors of grief is that, much like depression, it changes the way we are able to see the world. Similarly, in the months that followed her death, grief lied to me and robbed me of my memories of the real Aletha. I wrote that depression made her believe that she was worthless and a burden mental illness had obscured her understanding of her own value and the depth of people’s love for her. Shortly after Aletha died, I wrote an article about how depression lied to her. First when she died and again when the dark phantom of her depression overrode my memories of her. In those first few months after her death, I remembered my sister’s depression much more than my sister herself. In the years following Aletha’s death, I would learn to navigate the complex intersection of grief, depression and memory. I would tell people how funny my sister was and then I would struggle through an awkward silence trying to think of an example. My sister’s death had the cruel consequence of locking that dark phantom of Aletha in my memory. Her focus shifted from going on a big trip in a few years to simply getting through the work week. She got annoyed or frustrated more quickly. The tone of her texts and emails changed. ![]() Perhaps this was because, for more than a year and a half before her death, Aletha was depressed. I struggled to remember the essence of Aletha - what made her my sister and an unforgettable part of my life. I struggled to remember her: The way she would dance and make up silly songs, her ability to engage with the people and places around her effortlessly, the comfort her presence gave me. It wasn’t that I couldn’t remember her face or the way her glasses slid down her nose or her perfectly-formed curls. 21, 2022.When my sister died by suicide five years ago, I struggled to remember her. National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Recommended amount of sleep for a healthy adult: A joint consensus statement of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine and Sleep Research Society. Physical Activity Guidelines for Americans.Dementia prevention, intervention, and care. Risk factors for cognitive decline and dementia. Understanding memory loss: What to do when you have trouble remembering.
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